The Dull Area Between Rape Culture and Dating Culture

2017 is the year a lot of us would remember as the year women spoke out. It is a start. For many women, #MeToo was not just a hash tag, it was re-living certain painful moments over and over again. It was a striking number of women living the same experiences. We must acknowledge and appreciate these women who spoke out. It is nothing short of courageous and brave to be able to stand firm in the face of oppression.

The past year didn’t just slap us in the face with the realization that even seemingly nice men could be predators; it also made us aware of our shortcomings when it comes to addressing these issues. We built a society that revolves around sex yet any conversation around sex is almost taboo. That is what makes the situation with Aziz Ansari so peculiar. Once the story of Aziz’s misconduct broke out, a lot of us were faced with the realization that our society is crumbling. The intersection between rape culture and dating culture is the reason why we must find a way to discuss these situations without labels.

To start of, I would like to point out that what Aziz did in no way makes him a rapist as he believed what they had was consensual however, Aziz is a predator like many men. Sexual coercion is a common occurrence in dating culture. Right from childhood, a lot of us are taught that persistence is romance so a lot of women and men grow up with distorted ideas towards dating culture. Based on twitter opinion, a handle I will not name tweeted at me “Women like it when you try a little harder.” The ideology that women’s No, lack of interest and excitement is a call for men to find a way to coerce a woman into engaging in sexual relations is toxic. It is what brought us here and what put Aziz in the position he was put. Little girls in school are told that boys pick on them because they like them, this is the most tragic ideology I had to unlearn.

Right from the moment we are born, the demarcation between gender roles is drawn. We are taught to normalize sexual aggression as a comfortable part of dating culture. The objectification of women, which begins from childhood, reinforces and allows for the continuation of rape culture. Women are seen as pretty objects that need to be kept safe and pure until marriage while men are advised to take the reigns of the horse and ride into the night. This childhood socialization allows male children to grow up with a sense of entitlement and women as meek creatures. Sex is often discussed as something that is done TO women and not WITH women so a lot of us grow up with this warped idea of dating culture. Often times, sex is seen as something that can be taken from women. Rape culture is not only victim-blaming, it is anything that reinforces gender-roles stereotypes. So dating becomes problematic.

How do women let lose while constantly safety conscious especially when alone with men??

When the Aziz Ansari story broke out, too many of us were forced to face the reality of sexual assault and coercion. To successfully deconstruct the system of patriarchy, we have to start by addressing issues that fall into the gray area.

What is consent?

What is appropriate consensual behavior and what is not??

Is reluctance followed by mild/severe coercion into engaging in sexual activities predatory or not?? It is.

Any sexual engagement that occurs as a result of little to a lot of pressure from a partner is predatory and borderline abusive.

To accept this reality is to accept that many of us have been assaulted in one way or another. We have.

When rape culture, which is the normalization of toxic sexual violence, intersects with dating culture, the lines become blurry. Many women are left wondering what is what.

A lot of women usually find themselves in a bind when it comes to reacting to forced/coerced sexual advances from seemingly nice men who take them on nice dates and treat them well. Are these men exempt from the rules of morality and respect for personal choice?? They are not.

Often times, consent doesn’t come in verbal responses. When two people are ready to get intimate with one another, body gestures and excitement are the normal queues any person should look for.

Is my partner comfortable?? Does my partner want this? Many women are not able to verbally say NO because we know that men usually have more physical power so fear plays a big factor. How will he take my NO? Will he force me if I say NO? Will I be in danger for saying NO? These are all valid fears. More than half women killed in the US are killed by their partners, so this fear that women feel towards saying No is rightly justified.

Consent comes in different forms and once mutual respect for one another exists, picking up on body language queues become very obvious and easy.

Until men are forced to have to consider sex as something that happens WITH women not TO or FOR them, we will still be faced with the issue of these blurry areas. However, we can discuss them, we can find ways to provide support for victims. Men must be held accountable for their actions against women. We cannot keep normalizing sexual aggression as consensual sexual behavior when too many women have to live with the psychological trauma that ensues.
Dating Culture and Rape Culture are seemingly at a cross road but it does not have to be. We can discuss this issue as intellectuals and find a way to better our societies. 

The Cruelty Of The Streets of Twitter

Twitter is a very mean and unkind place. I am continually amazed at the severity of this. This is not the first of its kind and unfortunately, not the last.
A twitter user and blogger shared her story of gang rape, immediately, hell broke lose on twitter. You would think this is the time when human beings unite and show their humanity, instead, aggressiveness was all that was displayed.
I understood from all i have read today that the victim is an outspoken blogger in Nigeria, she has being known to be involved in multiple arguments on twitter but the way the public reacted, i was ashamed to be a part of this planet. Regardless of who this girl is and what other previous things she has said, whether you have ever agreed with her or not, the way some WOMEN reacted was pure vile.
Look, rape is rape. Let us be civil for once and not sugar coat it. Even if this lady's story turns out to be untrue (I doubt that though), this is the reality of so many girls in Nigeria. Too many women in Nigeria have lived this lady's story. Best believe this is not the first time something like this has been raised. The moment anyone involved in any sexual activity says No, whatever sexual activity that occurs afterwards is RAPE. Be it a friend, a boyfriend, a husband, without consent, any sexual activity that occurs is rape. We have being conditioned by a culture that we created to always question the victim in situations like this. Stop it!
This story has shown me that people are more comfortable with the story of a young girl hungry for marriage than the story of a rape victim. Too many people are saying "if she did not want it, why did she keep going back?". I understand that not everyone has talked to the people i have talked to and heard stories from victims of rape and domestic violence, from all the victims whom have had the courage to speak it, one thing is common. FEAR! It is the fear that keeps them going back, it is the fear that makes them stay. It is not something as easy as, "well, i do not like this shirt, i will not wear it again". Most of the victims tend to be people whom have being taken advantage of by people whom claimed to love them. Usually, it is the love and  the fear that keeps the victims. Our society is one of constant shaming hence, the silence.
I am very disappointed and sad today. Instead of showing compassion or restraint from commenting, one woman went on to say "she is too ugly to be raped", i swear i dropped my phone. I was shocked. There were comments along the line of:
"if she is wishing rape on herself, may it happen to her",
"she must have liked it if she stayed with him",
"she must have been into the drugs they were doing",
"why was she hanging out with men older than her",
"this is just attention seeking"

The list goes on. I do not like to get into discussions on twitter because i noticed how petty and silly twitter can turn even the brightest people but i could not keep in my disappointment. If this lady's story is true (which i know it is else the man involved would not have had to respond with threats of releasing her nude pictures), imagine all the trauma she had had to endure, imagine living in her shoes knowing there is not justice for you. Let's say the story is not true, imagine actual victims of said unfortunate circumstance reading people's reactions. Someone argues girls like to claim every sexual activity between her and an ex is rape and i say, if she did not consent to it then Yes, it is rape. You should search your conscience.  Imagine them having to read people saying "she is just a whore looking for attention"
"she must have being wearing revealing clothes"

Suddenly, the victim becomes the one to blame and the aggressor becomes a victim of "seduction" and "lies". Please let us be human, imagine your sister whom has never had the courage to tell anyone about her rape, reading your cold and unkind reaction. Imagine how isolated she will feel again. Imagine how much you have invalidated her suffering, telling her it is her fault.
Sexual assault is the worst thing that could happen to anyone. It is dehumanising and violating experience. The victim will forever be scared. Having to live with all that weight, all that anger, all that pain and loneliness is terrible. The least you as someone whom did not do anything to stop can do is to be kind about it. God, twitter is horrible i swear. Very horrible. People are mean, i cannot say this enough. If you do not have anything good to say, do not say anything at all. Muhammad SAW said, before you speak, as yourself if your silence is worth more than your words.
There is already too many things we cannot do anything about like Boko Haram, ISIS, Refugee Crisis etc the one thing we can do something about is what comes out of our mouths.

I have seen growing support though, i have seen kind words, a tweet stuck with me

"And some of you are there nodding head in agreement because "desperate to marry" makes more sense to you than serial rape. Na wa for you."
Well, let that sink in. ANIMALS!