Mourning In My Language

I want to ask you how your heart is
How your soul is coping with your loss
I want to tell you that by God she is at peace
But you are wailing and heaving
And all these words i can think of
Only in my language
My tongue is drowning
With the weight of all the words
That i cannot say in this your language
This restrictive language
Your language that has only one word for love
I want to ask you "Ya hakuri"
But in your English
It says "How is sorry"
Your language has me lost
Trying to grasp at emptiness
To make sense of my thoughts
My heart is breaking for you
Your tears, the words you cannot say
Streaming down your face
The sound of your sob
The only language
In your throat
So i sit beside you
Pat you on the back
And say instead
"There there now"

ReBirth: Le Blog

This is not an actual article about a rebirth or some deep poem :D

Spicing things up a bit on the blog because a. I was bored, b. I have being wanting to change the layout c. I am a nerd.

So, I decided to get a new theme for the blog, how do you all like the new blog layout? Pretty cool right, i think the last one was a bit primitive and i wanted something a bit more matured seeing as i clocked a year older two weeks ago. There are cooler navigation menus at the top below the header Image,you will find that i categorised the menus by type. For poems, you go to poetry and for articles you go to articles(obviously :D),also there is a link to my createspace estore where you can order my book (i know you haven't, yalla go order now), a search widget at the bottom of the page and also an archive widget with a popular widget. Scroll from top to bottom, click on older posts just above the footer below the posts. Click click click...familiarise.
I will probably be writing more now,the thing is, i actually have things to write, just things come up and well, priorities. My head is filled with ideas for articles and i have so much poems just sitting waiting to be published which i could do right now but hey, what is the fun in doing stuff when you can procrastinate :D.

Anyway, come back again and read read read.

Let there be writing, as The CC said.

Sayonara
xoxo

One Type Of Sad

She looks at me, like i am the saddest story she has ever heard
She asks me, to explain to her, why i am sad
That is the thing with my type of sad
it does not need a reason to anchor me
to the edges of my bed like a ship
at bay ready to be disembarked
my type of sad is the guest that comes to your house
unannounced, it does not call my phone
to ask if i am free, or busy
my type of sad is a marching band
stomping loudly in my head
blowing trumpets and beating drums
only i can hear.
She tells me to turn down the volume
but you see, my type of sad is not the ocean sad
the kind sad, my sad is loud and mean
the volume from my bizarre music drowns out
the concert in my head.
She says pretend for my sake to be happy
and i try, i swear i do
but my type of sad does not know
how to pull the strings at the side of my face
to curve into a smile, i am sorry,
it is your birthday and i promised i would come
i wanted to come, i knew i should have come
but my feet felt heavy and my chest felt too wide
to carry my heart, there are empty spaces
between my ribs and i can hear
the splurging of air within my bones, i am sorry,
i know i should not be sorry but i am
i want to be happy
for your sake i want to wake up
and paint my lips blood red but i am tired
my fingers are tired my eyes are tired
i am pretending not to be sad but within your crowd
i am lost, alone
she says i would not be so lonely
if i went out more and called up my mother more
but my mothers lonely lost voice
are fingers chocking my throat
i cannot breath and i love her
but my type of sad absorbs my mothers sad
and i cannot hear her.
The city feels so big and i am a little dead star
trying to shine in a room filled with bright lights
see i want to go to the party
but the bustle of life and energy reminds me
of the emptiness i feel inside
and my bed feels like the only party that would have me
i am sorry,
she says don't be sorry, be better
and i want to be
but i cannot be better when i do not know
how to be better.

3am Thoughts

It is 3:34am...I cannot sleep.

It is true what they say, 3 am is the darkest hour of the night. People tend to find 3 am a time of extreme fatigue, that is the time when for those who are asleep, their sleep is the deepest and for those who are awake, their juice is lowest(meaning they are exhausted). Some people believe at 3am people tend to get very honest and emotional, a study by a group of scientists proved that by adding that because people are exhausted from the previous days activities and they haven't gotten around to sleeping to re-boost, so their brains become less active and it is easier for the brain/heart to be honest than to make stuff up. Anyway, whatever it is, here i am at 3am, bursting with feels. This post will be a roller coaster of thoughts.

There is a lot of things that need to be addressed but nobody is addressing, this is the job of writers. We must learn to discuss the undiscussed.

I am coming to understand recently that all you need in this life is yourself, yes you need other people but basically, you have to be there for you. Always. We must learn to put the physical,mental and spiritual health of ourselves first.
There are so many quotes on the internet telling us how to act in our relationships, what to do and what not to do. Some of us follow these quotes literally, like they are not written by some lonely twenty-something year old girl/boy/alien at 3 am in a dark room. What we need to understand is, nobody can tell you how to be you, nobody can teach you how to love or be loved. A quote on the internet says, "you don't call him, you have to wait for him to call you". I call that bull-shit. If you want to talk to him, pick up the damn phone and give him a call. What is the worst thing that could happen? God forbid he gets happy you called. It is serious that some of us end up desperately googling things like "how to make him/her like you", what happened to being you? being simply and unapologetically you? they may like you or hate you when they know the real you but at the end of the day, you were honest with them and yourself and believe me, you deserve the honesty.

So much annoyance on the internet really.

Do not waste your time wondering if someone cares about you or not. Listen to me, take this from me, if someone truly gives a crap about you, you would know. They would make an effort to let you know, to show you. Words are just words, a mad man can spew words. People who go out of their way to do simple nice things for you, those are your people, those are the people you need to give a crap about. If he tells you repeatedly that he cares about you but doesn't do anything to show you, not even the littlest of things, probably because he doesn't. Don't waste time and energy worrying and wondering if someone cares. If they care, they will show you, you just have to pay attention. Also, we are quick to assume things. We are quick to create these images in our heads about how things are which are probably wrong 100% of the time but we believe them and we stress about them. If you are like me and you are someone who does that, please stop. Life is too short to stress about imaginary things.

Some people just don't want to be loved. Don't waste your time on those people. Take your love some place it would be appreciated. There are 7 billion people in this world and everyone needs love. Throw your love some place else. Do not do the mistake of repeatedly knocking on a wall. It is not a door, it will not open for you. If someone is not smart enough to want to be loved, you cannot do anything for them. They need to help themselves.

We all need to pay more attention to the people in our lives. Some people just want to be heard, want to be seen. Be there, be present. Do not mistake her silence for stupidity, do not mistake her smile for ignorance, do not mistake her kindness for weakness. She is probably doing all that because she cares, not because she doesn't have anything to say, but because she is afraid of saying the wrong things, waiting for you to be honest with her, her silence is not because she doesn't know you are an asshole, she knows, she's probably waiting and hoping you would soon realise how much of an asshole you are. Be there, she wants to be heard. Listen to her, pay attention to the people in your life. A simple "are you happy?" message can make someones' entire day. Be present.

I have no idea where this post is going so it is best i stop here. It is 3:57am.

Short Poem

We were like parallel rails
On a train track
Always side by side
Our paths never crossing
Running towards
The same destination.

The Feelings We Hold On To

I find it rather puzzling that the emotions we tend to hold on to the strongest are the dark ones. Pain. Pain is something people usually hold on to, anger, sadness. I find it strange that we don't hold on to love which is supposed to be this glorious thing but we hold on to darker things more. When we are in love, we tend to enjoy it for the period of time when we think we are in love but once it passes (because of course love doesn't last) we tend to hold on to the pain more than we held on to the love.

Most people get creativity from negative emotions. I, for one am a living proof that you can write an entire book while in pain. Creativity is never gotten from love or happiness. Usually, for some weird reason, the most beautiful paintings, sculptures, poetry are from people whom have being going through emotional distress at the time they were working on their master piece. Isn't it strange that people then love this master piece regardless of the fact that pain/sadness/heartbreak/suffering gave birth to it.

In one way or another we are all attracted to broken things i think. That is why the saddest love stories sell so much, e.g The Fault In Our Stars (yups, i am a Hazel-Augustus fan). Forget what science told you about opposites attracting, pain attracts pain. We are all little broken people and we are always trying to find broken pieces of ourselves in these broken paintings,sculptures, poetry etc.

All in all, i don't know if it is a bad thing that we are all a the risk of getting addicted to pain and sadness. Personally i think it is good. I feed off of my pain. As much as i would like to believe in a happy Utopia where everything is perfect, i know that would be the worst thing for humanity because then we wouldn't have all of these broken creativity and i don't know about you reader but i don't want to live in a world without cheesy movies like the notebook and sad sad very sad poetry.

Sayonara
xx