Saying Goodbye

You stood right outside my door and looked me in the eyes. I was fearless. I demanded my keys back. Hesitatingly you took them out and dropped them in my hands. My heart fell into my palms but i couldn't break in front of you. I slammed my door and heard you walk away. You didn't even say a word. You didn't try to stop me. You didn't fight for me. I would have done everything for you. I would have gone to the moon and back for you. You didn't even try. Slumped behind the door you left i fell into 7 million tiny pieces and i cried till my eyes felt like beach sand. I am done holding you to me. I am broken. You broke me. I let you. I am giving up on you. I could not make you love me and you did not want to love me. I am giving up on you. I am giving up on us. I have scars buried deep into my skin from the places your hands have touched and i have a box of memories locked away in my heart i am setting me free. I am setting my heart free. I cried my heart to emptiness and i prayed you would come back to me. You didn't. I died 7 million times while you left. Love will find me.

Sand Castles

I don't remember building them a lot

But i remember them crumbling

Majestically falling to sand

Beneath the weight of childhood boots

I fell sand castles for you

Me crumbling beneath lies and spit

I was softness. my bones.

My bones were sponge

Soaking you up. me up

You. 

Sand castles. me

I was answered prayer

Knees scratched from kneeling

You called me out

Soft steps gently raining me down

Pouring me into being

Me. Your prayer

Sand. castles.

My tears wet the light soil

I built myself up

From the pieces you left

I crumbled so many times

My self is clay

Holding me together

Spit and grit

You.

You built me

Made me

Broke me

Left me

Sand castles. Me. 

Apology

This is not a sad poem and it is not an apology. I am not apologizing. I have said more excuse me’s starting with I’m sorrys and more sentences starting with I’m sorrys so I am done beginning my sentences with programmed I’m sorrys.  I am done being the girl who, apologizes for wearing her skirt a lil too long, I am done being the girl who apologizes for wearing her her jeans too lose. My body is not a connection of regrets; blood flows through my veins and not apologies so I am quitting. I will not apologize for being human, I will not apologize for having an opinion and I will not apologize for being black. I have heard that the smartest thing a girl can be in this world is a fool, a beautiful young fool but I will not be that fool. I will not be the girl who breaths regrets and swallows her words, I will not be the girl who chews her voice and washes down her opinion and self respect with a glass of exotic male. No! I refuse to become an apologetic fool. My thick black woman lips will not voice out precisely arranged alphabets forming words of apology. A woman should not be an apology. Bosom filled with love and affection I will not apologize for my gender. I will carry this body with grace and confidence and stand tall among men. I will speak out and daze them with my eloquence. You have stepped on me one too many times and spat down my feet. My fists are balls of years of implied I am not sorrys ready to smash skulls but I have spent too many years of I am sorrys that I spread my fists flat and let old apologies fall to the ground. I am not broken. I am a woman. I am not an apology.

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I have good days. and bad days. some days i am so happy, that my blood feels like sugar and caramel other days i am so sad. my heart is so heavy it overflows through my mouth. today is one of the bad days. i am drowning in myself.