6 O'Clock Train Chronicles

I am on this bus
Riding to nowhere in particular
It's just like my life
Heading nowhere
On a steady course
The train does not hunk
The couple in front of me repulse me
They remind of John before the booze
Before he decides
To give himself over
Arms outstretched to the cuff of drunk

See John was a man
Before the day after,
He would pat my back
And comb out my knots,
He would work in the day
And meet me at the train station
Everyday at 6
Like clock work.
A day before the day after
John told me
When he came home that night
Reeking of whiskey
And the smell of the beginning
Of the end,
That he missed the train.
The day after,
I stood by the bathroom
While john threw up
All the leaving
His father has left him
He threw up
All of the moving
From foster home
To foster home
I made ginger-ale
And fed it to him in bed.

Two nights later
I took the 6 o'clock train
Without John
To go pick John up from the station
They said he "exposed himself" in public
I am not sure what John exactly did
But i could see his mother
In his apologetic eyes
John told me that they were overreacting,

"It's a race thing" he said.

When John started coming home
With pupils leaving their enclosing
Taking a train
Up Johns brain and having him say things like
"My stepfather put his hand down my pants"
I listened
I waited for the high to pass
I listened as the drugs poured out
Pieces of him he spent time keeping in
I found traces of white powder
In the back pockets
Of Johns jeans.

Before the day after
John was a man
Trapped in himself
He walks by his mother everyday
She can't tell its him
He brings her breakfast at the corner of the street
And dinner after the 6 o'clock train.

Before the day after
Johns mother had died
Maybe the madness took her
Or her soul was tired of being lost
John found her hugging her knees.

John is still a man
But he used to be my man
Now John comes home every night
He looks like leaving
He smells like cheap female perfume
And local beer.
I hold the door
To let the ghost of a man
Walk into my house
As much as i want to close the door after he walks out
And change the locks
I still stay.

I am on the 6 o'clock train
I know where i must go
But the train keeps moving
The call said a body was found
His id had Johns name on it
I am to identify the body
John has done what his father is good for,
Leaving.

Before the day after
John would hold my hand in the morning
And tell me
In his voice which has being scarred
By years of internal screaming
Yearning for love he never found
Maybe in the end he found it
At the buttom of the bottle
He would say

"My father may have left, but i am still here"

Now that i think about it
Maybe it was more for Johns healing
Reminding himself
The two of him-selves
That he must not give in
To the darkness that tails him
And hangs above his head
Like an angelic halo
Not for me
The train is past my stop for the 10th time
I am not sure

I should keep going.

Tales From Behind A Bathroom Door

A short fictional story for my few but lovely readers. Enjoy

Tears were streaming down my face like a water fountain.

I found my phone, which i was apparently holding or rather clutching in my hand all through my manic episode. I dialled my friend’s number quickly and slumped to the floor, feeling the weight drop from my chest and the tears just flow angrily out of my eyes.

"Hey baby" she answered the phone as she always does.

"i did the stupidest thing" i told her between sobs. I could hear her trying to keep the cool in her voice and not freak out.

"What happened? Tell me. What happened? Where are you?"

"i am in a bathroom on the floor. I was at his party and i lost my mind. I said horrible things, horrible things, all the things i had not said for years, i said them all. in front of people. there were people all around and i yelled at him. and i cried. they watched me cry"

"Wait...wait. Hold up. you actually went to the party?" she asked. concern dripping from her voice like molten ice cream.

"Yes. It was stupid but yeah, i did go"

"Start from the top. What happened?"

I walked into the house and i saw him, surrounded by all the people he cared about, no surprise that i was not among them. Anyway, i put on my happy go-lucky face and i walked right up to him. I hugged him, wished him a happy birthday and i handed him the gifts. The night went on. She was there. Yeah, her. She was all over him, so pretty and just flawless in everyway. I could not possibly compete with her so i sipped some nasty looking juice and sat alone on a really ugly couch, missing my own friends who would move mountains for me. Feeling like a complete loser i wore my jacket and walked up to him to say bye.

"Hey, i am leaving now, happy birthday again. enjoy your night" i said and turned to leave.

A little buzzed from whatever it was he had ingested he yelled

"Why are you leaving? the party just started. don't be dramatic"

"I am not being dramatic" I yelled back so he could hear me over the sound of the music blasting.

"I am pretty lonely as you can see but anyway have fun". He laughed and said something to the girl that was standing with him and they both burst into fits of laughter. Rage was beginning to boil the blood in my veins making me glow an ugly shade of orange. I turned to leave and for a split second, I let my demons win. I turned around and said in a gentle yet filled with fire voice

"You know, you are shit person. You have being an absolute dick to me ever since I met you. Here I am, gorgeous and smart as fuck, I may not be her but I am worth the effort and all you do is look past me, like i am not even there. What is it you want from me? Why do you bother coming back into my life just when i am beginning to rid my sheets of your scent. All these people think you are some classy ass friend but i know the truth. You are a complete asshole. All i have ever done was be there for you. whenever you need me, i would drop whatever i am doing to be there for you and when i need you the most, that is when one of your stupid-ass-special-more-important-than me friend needs you. And i see you rush off to be there for them. Why can't you be there for me? I am fucking smart and i am a good person. Isn't that something? i go out of my way to impress you  and all i ever get from you are half baked compliments that i could wipe my ass with. I can do better than you, i am so out of your league. i know that. but you have this hold on me and i hate you so much for that but i am hopelessly in love with you but i know you are too cowardly to dare be committed to a girl like me so i am the doormat, whom you come to to wipe your feet whenever you want to and leave when you want to and don't even care to text to see how the hell i am doing. So fuck you very much. And i am not fine by the way. Thanks for asking. " By this time, i was yelling and shaking, i had tears streaming down my face and apparently the music had stopped and everyone was staring. There were a mix of shock and fear in some faces but i did not have time to care. He had already turned so many colours he looked like a Teletubbie. 

"And fuck you too" i screamed at the girl next to him.

"Where is the bathroom??" i yelled to no one in particular. 

"Where is the goddamn bathroom" I yelled again, this time with more rage. I felt like the incredible hulk.

Some one pointed to a door down the hall and i power walked to it. I was covered in shame, embarrassment and tears.

I walked into the bathroom, slammed the door shut and put the locks on. I slumped to the ground.

"Oh wow" she exclaimed from the other end of the line. By this time, i had calmed down a bit. 

"Well, what are you going to do in bathroom? Shouldn't you just leave?"

"I was hoping they had a big enough window i could crawl out from so no one would see me but it's the fucking seventh floor building and i am not depressed enough to jump."

"So what will you do?"

"I'll just wait it out till the party is over then i can slip out. Or well, that's what i am hoping to do. I do pray nobody needs to use the bathroom because they may have to just hold it in." She laughed. I laughed too.

"Well, sooner or later you are going to have to face him" she said, matter-of-factly.

"Not if i stay in here till i die"

"Listen, walk out of the bathroom, look like the complete crazy person that you are, go up to the apartment door and walk out. Leave and don't look back. You have already said all that needs to be said for one night. "

"Well, we’ll see. I'll talk to you when i leave. I love you"

"I love you too" she said. I hung up. I washed my face. Stared in the mirror for what felt like hours then i unlocked the door. The music was not playing. I walk out of the bathroom. The house was empty. As i was about to leave the apartment i saw him, sitting alone on the big ugly couch.

"Please don't leave," he said, well, more like whimpered. He sounded so broken i almost broke down into tears. I stood my ground. He walked up to me, took my hands and looked me straight in the eyes.

"Please forgive me,” he said. I was in tears again. He wiped the tears from my face and we stood there for several minutes. Just staring at each other. I got on tiptoes, kissed him on the cheek and walked out of the apartment.

Saying Goodbye

You stood right outside my door and looked me in the eyes. I was fearless. I demanded my keys back. Hesitatingly you took them out and dropped them in my hands. My heart fell into my palms but i couldn't break in front of you. I slammed my door and heard you walk away. You didn't even say a word. You didn't try to stop me. You didn't fight for me. I would have done everything for you. I would have gone to the moon and back for you. You didn't even try. Slumped behind the door you left i fell into 7 million tiny pieces and i cried till my eyes felt like beach sand. I am done holding you to me. I am broken. You broke me. I let you. I am giving up on you. I could not make you love me and you did not want to love me. I am giving up on you. I am giving up on us. I have scars buried deep into my skin from the places your hands have touched and i have a box of memories locked away in my heart i am setting me free. I am setting my heart free. I cried my heart to emptiness and i prayed you would come back to me. You didn't. I died 7 million times while you left. Love will find me.

Through A Dead Girls Eyes

…Only the dead have seen the end of war. (Plato)

Or so they say.


There was always dust. Dust in my eyes, my hair, and my breath. Everywhere was dusty so I stopped trying to clean the windows everyday. We didn’t go out much; we usually just stay at home and listen to death on the box machine. Schools were out. The park wasn’t a park anymore, it smelled of burned childhood.


We had soups that did not taste like soup for days. Father went out everyday and he always came back looking a year older. One night he came home so old that I couldn’t tell it was he. We lived on. After sometime, I watched my little brothers’ body shrink in on itself. He got very small. He became a baby again; mother did everything for him just like when he was born. I don’t remember how it happened but when he went to sing with the angels, fathers old eyes cried streams of tears and mother broke into so many little pieces that went flying all over the house that we could not put her back together. She slept a lot but she never cried.


The sounds of gunshot and buildings falling always put me to sleep. Sometimes I get scared when I hear the screams of my friends and when I can’t hear their screams anymore; I get off my little bed, kneel by the side and say a prayer for them and my little brother. I used to cry a lot I remember.

The day it happened, it was very quiet; mother was in bed staring into space and father wanted to go see what was in the market. I went with him. I held his very old thin looking hands and wore my slippers. They were two different kinds. I walked with him along the street, we skipped over the rubble and I saw my uncles crumbled home. The street was empty, except for a bird or two, mindlessly chirping away. I saw a dog limp past us. I remembered that dog. It used to chase all the street kids. Now it just looked so sad, whimpering away on its broken leg. We reached the market and there was a fruit stand so we went to it. We got 3 oranges and a couple of grapes and one banana. The old man at the stand gave me a small apple. We walked back onto the street and the sound we heard was so loud I fell to the ground. I saw fathers eyes grow wide. He looked so pretty, just like my little brother. He tried to help me up but my ankle hurt so bad I couldn’t stand. We heard another sound, a familiar one this time, gunshot. The blood sipped slowly through my chest and I could see tears falling from my fathers’ eyes.


My mother never spoke again and my father kept getting older. They buried me next to my little brother and I heard them say three of my friends were close by too. There was a time before the green uniformed soldiers came that this ground was a garden, filled with beautiful flowers and smelled of roses and lilies. Now it smells like death and it holds the souls of dead children. Everything changed, I saw mother die of heartbreak and I watched the day they dropped one on our house. Father slept in a little tent where our house used to be and some nights, I hear him ask God why he hasn’t taken him too. I cried with him. He had no family left.

Some days I sit and watch the war go on in front of my fathers’ tent and some days I wander the old garden where I lie with the other kids. I haven’t met mother or my little brother yet. Maybe when father joins us, we will be a family again, in a place where gardens held flowers and parks smelled like childhood and innocence.

Open Flower

Lying on the cold floor, with my cheek pressed against the floor, and drowning in the emptiness of my soul, i decided two things could happen. It could end in a love story or it could end in tragedy. Its either he loves me, or he doesn't but not knowing is what got me on the floor in the first place. If he loves me, roses and butterflies and if he doesn't, well, i am already broken, into a million little pieces, falling into an abyss of emptiness, how much worse could it get.
I had it all planned in my hollow skull, i woud sit with him, look into his eyes, this time i would be strong, i wouldn't break down and cry like a child who lost a toy. This time, i would be an adult about it. I would tell him how i feel, and ask him how it all went wrong. I would tell him how much i miss his hands in mine, the sound of his heart beat, when my head is pressed against his chest, his little body spasms when he sleeps, the comfortable silence we often share and his deep brown eyes. It would be like opening a flower,a Queen of the Night, it's a lovely flower, it waits till night fall and it opens up, filling the atmosphere with its lovely scent. I would pour my heart out to him. I would tell him how he is the last thing on my mind before i fall asleep and the first thing on my mind when i wake up. I know it is love because the thought of him upset makes me cry and his happiness is my happiness.
But there are days when i want him to fall down the stairs and hurt himself real bad, maybe, just maybe he would have a glimpse of how much pain is in my heart, soul and body. I would tell him how much i hate him some days and how much i love him other days. How it tears me apart, limb by limb to watch him with other girls. It's like being placed in a box, without a lid or lock, there is only a little hole, the only way out and you could only get out if you could find the hole. I would tell him how some days i want to hurt myself for the physical pain is much more bearable than the one in my chest.
Two things could happen, he could either think i am totally insane, like out of my mind in sane and needy and clingy OR he could hold my hands, look deep into my eyes as if he would see my soul and tell me how much he loves me too, not likely, i thought, but even just the possibility lightens my heart.
All planned out. Tomorrow i would walk up to him and i will pour my heart. A day after, lying on my cold floor again, tomorrow i will find the courage to tell him, i decided. A day after again, tomorrow i decided once more. And again, and again, and again.

Brown Eyes

It was time for him to go, i knew that for a long time. Now, that the time is here i'm having difficulty letting go. His knees budged and he fell to the floor, like he was as light as a feather, i watched him fall, eyes wide with terror. It's time, i thought. I went to him, laying on the floor, looking happy but pail, my tears felt like little needles tearing at my eyes. Everything hurt. He told me "it's that time", i screamed no but he smiled, weakly lifted his arms to my head, held it there and looked into my eyes. Now i had an ocean falling down my face, so weak he was he couldn't keep his hand up. I took his hand and laid it beside him and rested my head on his chest. I wanted to go with him. The thought of carrying on alone without him scared me too much. He drew his last breath and it felt like an hour has passed but really it was all happening under 5 minutes. Lifted my eyes to his, looked into their deep brown for the last time and kissed his cold lips. He smiled and closed his eyes, their deep brown forever implanted in my head, he was gone. I laid on him and cried for hours. My companion whom i thought i had forever to love laid underneath me, cold and still. I cried some more and after some time, i got up and made arrangements. Every night i lay in bed and imagine, his deep brown eyes staring down at me. 

A Story of Love.

I saw him walk away from the crowd,
My heart leaped and i couldn't breathe,
I went after him,
He did not see me,
I walked slowly past a fountain,
Out by the trees i saw him stand,
Beautiful as ever,
I tried to touch him but i couldn't,
Yet i felt joy and my heart screamed,
My head exploded with colours and sugar,
I felt feelings i had never felt,
A nut turned in my stomach as he turned,
He gave me that smile that i so remember and he took my hand,
We stood by the trees and stared into each others eyes,
I missed him, I missed him more than words could,
"Why did you have to leave"? i cried,
"I wanted you to find me" he replied,
And wiped my tears,
His hands were cold and oh so soft,
I couldn't bare to lose him again,
He kissed my eyes and told me between my sobs,
"This time its forever, you found me",
And i believed him,
We sat by the trees all night long,
The sun faded and the moon rose,
Time stopped and we were Infinite,
We are forever.

Weeping Sunflower

This is it. The nothingness scared him. He knowz what lies ahead and he does not want to live that life. Slowly he lifted the blade and kept it on the desk beside the glass of water he wAs having. It seemed beautiful and small, shining against the sun coming in from the window and it reflected the glass in a weird way. Made him think of diamonds. He thought of writing a note but their was nothing to write and the nothingness all around him was what brought him to now. He sipped the water, put it back down, lifted it again, and drained the cup. Without thinkin any further he lifted the blade, sliced one wrist, switched hands, and sliced the other. This is it. He told himself. He laid down on his bed, trying to be logical as to not make a mess. His sister wouldn't then want the room. He laid in his bed and waited. Yes he waited for death. 

Time seemed to slow. He could here the clock go "tik" and then "tock". It was annoying really but he laid there. Waiting for death is painful he thought. Not painful in a physical way but painful in a draining kind of way. Maybe because his life was draining he thought. The wind blew through the curtains and the metallic smell of blood hit him and he smiled, a satisfactory smile. He would soon leave this emptiness, he mused. The first wave of dizziness hit him and he relaxed more into his bed. İt didn't hurt. The pain from the blade was so minute he thought it was almost not there. But he would soon turn to dirt so it was fine. Raised as an athiest he never realy thought about God but now he had time before death took him so why not. There was nothing to think about because honestly he didnt care one bit for the world or about God. All he wanted was way out nd he found it, if there was a God, he would have tried to stop him from killing himself, wouldn't he? His head got heavy nd his eyes got heavy. This is it. And just like that, he closed his eyes and went to sleep. Selfish it may seem but his reasons are his and just before he went completely out he saw it, a single sunflower and it wAs crying. He was confused as to why a sunflower would cry or even how that was possible but it was time and his little guest was waiting for him. It was too late to fight the sleep and so he left his empty life behind, thinking about the weeping sunflower.

The Girl In Worn Out Shoes

I have had this on my mind for several days now..finally got around to getting it off my chest....wrote it just now in class...No edits...tell me what you thiink.

The slowest 60seconds of my life went by so slow it felt like I was standing for hours,in awe. At the street,about to cross the road,the light goes red and the countdown begins. 60seconds I reminded myself,and there she was, a little Kurdish girl,with her blue Accordion. She wasn’t playing it,she was just standing there in her worn out shoes,dirty white t-shirt and a dirty pink jeans… staring. I turned to see what she was staring at and there they were,the most beautiful girls ever. They were chatting away unaware of our gaze on them.the little kurdish girl,in her worn out shoes was also unaware of my gaze on her. Then I read,I read her face,she stared at their nails first,their perfectly manicured nails, polished pink, there was envy in her eyes,followed by sadness. Then she looked at their really cute shoes and then at hers. All this while,the girls had no idea of this little girl. She stared at them long and hard while the timer on the traffic light ticked so slow it was almost at a halt. Still on red,I watched the girl. They looked down at her,she smiled the smallest smile I had ever seen and almost as if she was invisible,they looked away and she looked down. Sadness flooded her face and she went red. With a heavy heart I looked up at the timer. 50 seconds,I had 10 more seconds before the light turned green. I looked one last time at the pretty girls, still unaware of the little girl,I looked at the little girl,still unaware of my gaze on her, she gave them one last look,the timer hit 60 and the light turned green. Then she crossed. I waited. The pretty girls crossed,laughing so loud. I waited, then walked behind them. I watched them walk off happily,like they had no care in the world,the little girl reached her little brother on the other side of the road,took his hand and walked away while smiling and talking to him and I walked home,unable to do nothing but think of that little girl days after I had witnessed the most intriguing piece of reality almost like a movie but way better.