For the girl with slant eyes and a fake smile

She was beautiful
but not like in the movies
or billboards and magazines
she was beautiful
in the way her hair
went with the wind
she was beautiful
in the way he held her hand
she was beautiful
in the way she subtly
hid herself
behind her smile
like she forced it


She was beautiful
like she doesn't belong here
she looked like the moon
when it is weeping for the sun
she was cool ocean breeze
bruising the shore line
eroding the sand
she was beautiful in her walk
in her speech
she was beautiful in her self
in the way she spoke
like she didn't want to raise her voice
like she was afraid to be heard

I have spent nights in bed
dreaming of her
dreaming of her laugh out loud
to his whispers at night in bed
i have imagined
how she would smile
even when he is being a dick
how she would part her legs
to let him in
to keep him in her
before he walks away

she was beautiful
but not in the way girls are
she was beautiful
in the way evil is
intriguingly interesting
she was beautiful
in the way she could always
wrap people around her finger.

Self Love

I haven't written on this blog in a while...well, one is because i just did not have any motivation to write and two is because most of my writing abilities go to the book i am working on.

A lot has happened, i did something so awesome couple weeks ago. I went to the saloon and had all of my hair chopped off and it was exhilarating. I mean, people talk about how horrifying cutting all of your hair is but really it wasn't that scary for me. I have been going through stuff and i needed to teach myself to love myself the way i am and never not put myself first. My hair was something that had lost its piece of identity for me. Along the way, while i was trying to make my hair defy its natural state by lying flat on my head, I lost my identity. As an african my hair is the one thing that makes me African. Its brutal our hair, i know. We have gone through horrifying ordeals with our hair growing up like being forced to braid and having our mums yank and tug at it while combing out...The mess.

Anyway, my first step towards my self love journey was to cut my hair. I cut out all the parts of my hair that make me someone else. I cut out the color, the relaxer, the pain, the hatred. I didn't understand the significance of chopping off all of my hair until i actually did it. It was liberating. I look in the mirror and i see me, i see myself, i see Africa, with my little afro and that's ok. I am beginning to love myself to treat myself right. I felt like i could finally breath. This is a new me, an improved version of my physical self. It was a stepping stone towards my journey.

"You need to love yourself girl or nobody will." Who said that?? J.Cole?? Wale?? I don't remember. but it's true, until you have learned to love yourself, to truly love yourself the way you are, only then would you learn to love and accept people the way they are. I was always this brute person. I loved fiercely and forcibly. If i can love people as hard as i can, maybe they wouldn't see how flawed i was. That was what i thought. I forgot to love my flawed self.

So this is my theory, if someone cannot love you the way you are, then honey, you should probably not be with that person. Unless a person brings out the best in you, the absolute best, unless a person encourages you to be yourself and makes your heart lighter, only then will you realise that persons love for you. Do not be with anyone who wants to change you. You are worth the world and if anyone can't see that, then baby it's their loss.

Am i projecting my feelings into this? Yes...totally. I think i have reached a point in this life where i can see my path right beneath my feet but i am afraid to step on it. Afraid to let go of the past, like i have some unfinished business, my self love journey will hopefully help me let go of my past and i would love myself enough to move forward with my life.

Well, Sayonara for now.

BRING BACK OUR GIRLS

HAS THIS MADE HEADLINES YET??? More than 230 school girls were kidnapped from their school in Borno State 12 days ago. 43(allegedly) escaped. Over 187 girls are still missing. The President is still campaigning. The lives of Nigerian girls is worth nothing to the GEJ administration.

As a Nigerian, i now know what my life is worth to the Republilc of Nigeria. NOTHING. President Goodluck Jonathan has repeatedly shown indifference to the situation of people living in fear in places like Borno State. 12 days ago, several girls went missing. A bomb went off in Nyanya killing tens of people. The next day, Jonathan went off to Kano State to campaign. Ya Salam. We as Nigerians have being repeatedly shown how disposable we are. Our lives are as worthless as an insects'. Nigerians need to start asking the right questions. Where are our girls? How can the military, police and all other armed forces we have in Nigeria not be mobilised and sent into Borno State(Sambisa Forest) to find the missing girls? Clearly there is a camp holding all these missing people, only God knows the trauma they are going through. Wait?? Is it because they are from the poor?? or the north?? what if it were some ministers/senators family that was missing?? Is it not the same Nigeria sending troops to Liberia for peace keeping? This shows how idiotic, stupid and dumb our Federal Government is. I am outraged by this. Apart from the fact that some of these girls will possibly be dead by the time anything is done about their situation, imagine the amount of psychological trauma these girls will have to go through. Boko Haram has repeatedly proved to be a menace to Nigeria. Goodluck Jonathan is so incompetent at doing is job that all he can do is stand in front of a camera, putting on a fake sympathetic looking face. Dear  Goodluck Ebele Jonathan, you so extravagantly got your daughter wedded couple weeks ago, building her a tower of cake, imagine all the girls whose fathers just want to be given a chance to also build their daughters towers of cake. Once upon a time we sang "we are the leaders of tomorrow"..When is tomorrow?? Is there a tomorrow for us?? when school girls are getting kidnapped and not rescued, who will be left when tomorrow comes?? A long time ago i lost faith in the Federal Government of Nigeria. If people put their selfish desires aside and all these useless letter writing trend, and realise that they have a common enemy, Boko Haram, maybe, just maybe Nigeria will begin to see a glimpse of a Tomorrow but for now, Nigeria is still stuck in yesterday and will continue to remain there until we as a people unite and start asking the real questions...Where is our money?? but first, Where are our girls?? Corruption has bled into the roots of Nigeria crippling it right from the toes and this is what the kids are growing up to, this is what they know, this is what they are learning. Unless our leaders fix their brokenness, Corruption will always be the earth Nigerians fall onto. 

Black Book

There is crispiness in the air,
i am an open book
a secret book
a filthy dirty ugly book
blackened pages with invisible words
you take the white pen
and scribble in me

scribble your name all over my pages
fill me in with you innermost thoughts
the ones you are ashamed to voice
let me be your welcome wagon
fill me in with the words of your soul

I am blackened sheets
and bound edges
i am yours to keep
beneath blood and bone
under mattresses
where the boogey man lives
i am nothing but just a book.

I have spent nights
lying beneath you
singing songs of broken words
grammatical errors and little tear drops,
i reach out for you
but i have no hands.

I am but a book
with blackened pages
filled with scribblings
of a broken soul.

Ramblings Of A Sane Girl

"I am both happy and sad and i am still trying to figure out how that could be". Stephen Chbosky

I am one of those people who can't go to sleep at night because there is so much going on in their heads. My older sister once told me whenever you can't sleep, it means your brain is still active and it needs to shut down for you to be able to sleep. My brain has being running on over drive lately. The only true peace i get is when i finally calm all those voices down in my head and put my self to sleep.

I am not a fan of sleeping too much. I always say this "I have all the time to sleep when i am dead". I believe as i sleep, life is passing me by and there is so much to do before my time is up in this not too satisfying life. I am sad. I am happy. I am in a labyrinth of emotions. I cannot find my way out.

It is tricky, i have good days and bad days. On the good days i am so happy, my insides are literally bursting with so much joy and love and on the bad days, i just want to throw things and lie in bed. My brain is my own worst enemy. Sometimes, i am in a place where all of it makes sense. I have a plan, I am a go-getter and other days i sit and wonder, what is the point?? What does all of this mean? Why am i here?

Couple of weeks ago i met this lovely woman at the bus stop. She asked me for directions. It is one of those moments where you look up and say "I know God is watching me, this is part of a bigger plan". It is amazing how you can meet someone for a short while and they will change you, they will make you see the important things in life and reassure you of all the doubts in your head. We shared Oysters and tea and ended up talking for 5 hours. This is a stranger i met at the bus stop. I think she was a gift to me you know, sent to make me believe even harder that even if nothing goes right, even when everybody leaves, my faith in my God will keep me going. She uplifted my spirits.

That doesn't mean i don't have bad days anymore, i do. The thought of the future scares me. I do not  want to be stuck in an everyday routine of waking up, going to work and surviving each day. I want to live. I am afraid i will wake up one morning and i am 50, at a dead end job in a loveless marriage. That honestly kills me inside and out. I want to live a happy life, I want to do things i love, surrounded by people i love and help people.

I feel like as i was busy working hard to get good grades in high school and graduate University in 4 years with impressive grades, i forgot to take time to find out who i was and what i really wanted. Most of us were born into a life where everything is planned out for us. Are the choices you are making truly your own choices or are they someones ideas and dreams you are pursuing. Along the line when it is almost late i finally found out who i was and what i wanted. Most of the time, i wish i had known this sooner. I wish i had known what i wanted when i was still an Undergrad, things would have turned out way happier for me.

I am not saying things are bad now, they are not, i am glad i finally figured things out for myself and found my own path. I still have my fears about the future. I am still afraid of being stuck. I am afraid of vulnerability more than anything but still we all have to do our best right? To make sure we come out clean at the end of the day and wake up at 50 and still feel 25 right?

These are just ramblings of a mad girl no?!

Anyway.....

For My Best Friend

Being the sentimental bastard i am, i performed(well,i kind of just read a bit dramatically) a poem i hold dear at heart for my best friend/sister. I am a super shy person(haha, liess...well i am sometimes) i have never read a poem in front of a camera(even though it's just my webcam) before. The poem is called "The Type" by Sarah Kay. I love it so much and i am dedicating it to you Amina Jumare(i think i mispronounced your name in the video...hehe and a couple other words but ehhhh, u get the gist). You are one of those people whom i want to always be next to in this life and the next. Thank you for being there always and thank you for listening even when i bitch about the same things over and over again. I love you so much. I can not magically transport to Dubai to be with you but here is a little token of my appreciation for you. Forever and always(long distance best friendship sucks yo).

btw: I swear my voice is the way it is because i have a cold...it's a lot sexier than that usually(jokes, i am loud as a vuvuzela). And i also don't have any movie editor so i couldn't fancy up the video.

Adieu

The silence scared me and i ran from it.
left to my thoughts i felt nauseous,
repulsed by my own thoughts my skin was like a plastic bag,
steady suffocating me within myself,
large headphones with loud music
to drown out the sounds of my demons
sleep was a healthy escape
dreamscape a warm home
filled with dead roses
and choking with the smell of burnt toast.

Lying in bed now it is so quiet
it is peaceful
the waves of blood gushing in my ears
i can hear my heart feeding itself
beating against blood and skin
gently lifting me to the stars
a bird chipped.
i am not afraid anymore,
there are suns behind my eyelids
i am in no rush to go to sleep.
my reality is filled with love
and the smell of fresh bread
i am at one with me.
i am at one with you.
i bid my demons Adieu
and counted the constellations.
behind my eyelids.