Saying Goodbye

You stood right outside my door and looked me in the eyes. I was fearless. I demanded my keys back. Hesitatingly you took them out and dropped them in my hands. My heart fell into my palms but i couldn't break in front of you. I slammed my door and heard you walk away. You didn't even say a word. You didn't try to stop me. You didn't fight for me. I would have done everything for you. I would have gone to the moon and back for you. You didn't even try. Slumped behind the door you left i fell into 7 million tiny pieces and i cried till my eyes felt like beach sand. I am done holding you to me. I am broken. You broke me. I let you. I am giving up on you. I could not make you love me and you did not want to love me. I am giving up on you. I am giving up on us. I have scars buried deep into my skin from the places your hands have touched and i have a box of memories locked away in my heart i am setting me free. I am setting my heart free. I cried my heart to emptiness and i prayed you would come back to me. You didn't. I died 7 million times while you left. Love will find me.

Sand Castles

I don't remember building them a lot

But i remember them crumbling

Majestically falling to sand

Beneath the weight of childhood boots

I fell sand castles for you

Me crumbling beneath lies and spit

I was softness. my bones.

My bones were sponge

Soaking you up. me up

You. 

Sand castles. me

I was answered prayer

Knees scratched from kneeling

You called me out

Soft steps gently raining me down

Pouring me into being

Me. Your prayer

Sand. castles.

My tears wet the light soil

I built myself up

From the pieces you left

I crumbled so many times

My self is clay

Holding me together

Spit and grit

You.

You built me

Made me

Broke me

Left me

Sand castles. Me. 

Apology

This is not a sad poem and it is not an apology. I am not apologizing. I have said more excuse me’s starting with I’m sorrys and more sentences starting with I’m sorrys so I am done beginning my sentences with programmed I’m sorrys.  I am done being the girl who, apologizes for wearing her skirt a lil too long, I am done being the girl who apologizes for wearing her her jeans too lose. My body is not a connection of regrets; blood flows through my veins and not apologies so I am quitting. I will not apologize for being human, I will not apologize for having an opinion and I will not apologize for being black. I have heard that the smartest thing a girl can be in this world is a fool, a beautiful young fool but I will not be that fool. I will not be the girl who breaths regrets and swallows her words, I will not be the girl who chews her voice and washes down her opinion and self respect with a glass of exotic male. No! I refuse to become an apologetic fool. My thick black woman lips will not voice out precisely arranged alphabets forming words of apology. A woman should not be an apology. Bosom filled with love and affection I will not apologize for my gender. I will carry this body with grace and confidence and stand tall among men. I will speak out and daze them with my eloquence. You have stepped on me one too many times and spat down my feet. My fists are balls of years of implied I am not sorrys ready to smash skulls but I have spent too many years of I am sorrys that I spread my fists flat and let old apologies fall to the ground. I am not broken. I am a woman. I am not an apology.

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I have good days. and bad days. some days i am so happy, that my blood feels like sugar and caramel other days i am so sad. my heart is so heavy it overflows through my mouth. today is one of the bad days. i am drowning in myself.

Kids Of The Internet

That is the thing with having the right kind of information, it opens you up to so many possibilities and you realize, every single idea of normal that was instilled into your mind, as a child could actually not be your own personal idea of normal. They are afraid to have us well informed so they clip our wings and teach us to be small, they sew our minds and tell us the sky is blue when actually, it is not always blue and the grass, it is not always green. Their greatest fear is a well informed youth, they are afraid of us, they have given us access to too much information and now we know, we have a choice, we have rights and we want to be heard.

They tell us “It’s too far” when it is actually not that far, and “impossible” actually means, “do not even try”. They are afraid we are actually mad enough to try, to try and then succeed. Our success where their “impossible” sits is not acceptable so they teach us to accept mediocrity. They feed us born and bred tales passed down from those who ruined them to begin with and expect us to swallow it down and ask no questions. We are the Internet generation. We are the technologically bred generation. We were made to ask, to try and to fly. We were raised on a pc.

The Internet is the most terrifyingly beautiful thing a wandering 16 year old could find. I found it. Finding out just how much is not too much and finally figuring out how massive this world is. They are afraid to let us fly, to let us wander for they know what we will find. Truth. They don't want the truth, they don't want us to find out all the lies we have been fed, they want us to remain the little obedient not so smart children because that is how they were raised. The people that raised them figured out how dangerously creative the mind of a child is so they broke them, in the hopes that they would break us, and we would break the ones after us and it becomes another endless cycle of ignorance and they are ok with that, because only then can they rub us of our dreams so there own dreams could thrive and continue to thrive. The golden age became the rotten age.

Now we know. We have read, we have seen, we have figured out our dreams and we know the truth isn't always true so when they say, "it is the right thing to do" we ask "for who?” A well-informed youth is the most powerful weapon a nation could have. They are afraid of us. They are afraid of us. They are afraid of us. The Internet raised us.

A Personal Post That Needed To Be Shared

Last year, 2013, was a significant year in my life because it was the year i found myself, i found out that i could literally be/do whatever i wanted and life is too damn short to not be happy. At a point i was in a very bad place, the worst. I was clinically depressed and i did stupid things which i am grateful for because i learned from them. I learned that no matter how much i love someone, i couldn’t save them from themselves. I met the most amazing people who changed my life. Like, i am not even kidding, i fell in love with minds so different from mine, people that made my heart light and my body feathers. People that were good out of the goodness of their hearts, people that had no need to impress anyone, people that stood out, i met this people and they had the most remarkable effect on me.

People say, ohh you’ve changed and it is true. I have changed. Someone told me “oh Asma, you are now weak” that shook me to my bones. I am termed weak for letting go of all the aggression and anger in my heart. I am called weird for embracing the fact that i am different and accepting who i am. I am not your typical girl. I will not wear clothes that i am not happy and comfortable in to please anyone, i will not mind my words to seem more “classy”, i curse so damn much and i wear trainers 70% of the time. I am happy with myself. 

Over the past year i learned to let go of anger, i realised my potential and i learned that if you listen closely, you are not so different from other people. when people speak, I learned to listen with an open mind and an open heart, i learned to let the waves of ocean blood pulsing through my veins to guide me and make me a better person. So yes, i have changed, i am not angry and aggressive anymore, i am warm and i am trying to be kinder. I am accepting people for who they are and reserving judgement. I am not God, i have no right to say things about peoples actions. Every single person has a reason for what they do and if what they do is so off the top for you that you just can’t see reason, ask. Ask them why they did what they did but remember, they do not owe you an explanation. Not for any reason. and if they decide not to explain themselves to you, walk away, it’s so easy. hold nothing against them for that is their right.

I received so much aggressive tweets for tweeting about not caring about homosexuality. I still stand by that. what people choose to do and not to do is of no concern to me, why should i get worked up over something that affects me in no possible way. Freedom. be free to be who you are and do what ever the fuck you want to do because at the end of the day, all you have is yourself. Love harder, be kinder, reserve judgement. Respect yourself enough to respect the interests of other people even if you are not interested in the same thing. If someone loves books and you don’t, respect yourself enough to respect their passion for books and do not make fun of them. People can be quite vulnerable sometimes and you have no idea how much words can hurt. I know that first hand. “I was just kidding” is not an excuse to be a dick. Calm yourself down. Some people are soft while some are hard. choose your words carefully.

I am still the same strong passionate girl i used to be. Just that now, i am a lot stronger and a lot more passionate and when you let go of all the diamond hard rock anger and hate and aggression weighing your heart down, you will understand that this life, is too short, too temporary to be nothing but happy. 

Calling Madonna Out On Her Shit

This just had to be written. I cannot even begin to describe just how much reading this fired me up. Following Madonnas recent Instagram post and having Rihanna call her out on her shit, of course we the people of the internet needed to do some digging to see what is going on then i found the most repulsive thing. Madonna had the nerve to say black men have treated her the worst when she was in an abusive marriage with Sean Penn who so happens to be a white man and even going further to say that "it is a cultural thing". It is cultural for our men to be disrespectful to women because they had no sense of romance? Oh the nerve Madonna got.

Madonna took it upon herself to tell all the little black girls that it is sort of their obligation to withstand abuse(well she used rage but we know what she means) from black men because oh we see what's happened to them. So because i am a black woman, i am inclined to sit and listen to a man go ape shit crazy at me because his father left and he does not know how to treat a woman. So Madonna is telling me to understand and listen because we black people are made of steel and gold and not of flesh and blood. Clearly telling black girls that they have no rights and no voices.

She then had nerve to manipulate this ridiculous interview to make it about her being a strong woman and so people feel threatned by her. Madonna, also said we as the black community were not supportive of her. Well, okay. we do not like shit music, we do not like old women grinding up provocatively on our screens when  they should be doing other things at that age.

Madonna was not only racist but also outright hypocritical. Martin Luther King did not die for women like Madonna to go up on Instagram confidently typing words like "disnigga". No Madonna. Such language is rude and disrespectful and we as poc would like you to get your shit together and re-think your entire life.